


And If I Try To Get Close, He Is Already Gone

by MellytheHun



Series: Kylux Angst November [3]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Heartbreak, Implied Sexual Content, Jealousy, M/M, Pining, Possessive Behavior, Romance, tumblr event
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2016-11-04
Packaged: 2018-08-28 23:29:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8467045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MellytheHun/pseuds/MellytheHun
Summary: Day Four of Angst November: Loving Each Other, But Not At The Same Time





	

**Author's Note:**

> _“And all I loved, I loved alone.”_ – Edgar Allen Poe

“So… you _knew_? This entire time?”

“You sound offended. I thought you would have been grateful I’d not brought it up.”

Hux scowls deeply and Kylo has to consciously make an effort not to smirk at him.

“Come now, General. Don’t be so sore,” Kylo teases, relishing in the way Hux’s skin betrays him, turning ruddy red under his attention.

“Don’t be – you _knew_! You _knew_ and just let me –“

“ _Of course_ I knew,” Kylo interrupts, his good humor leaving him, “Anyone even remotely Force-sensitive could feel your contemptible pining from fifty light years away.”

Lips in a thin line, Hux’s shoulders set, his eyes sharp daggers.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“What is there to say?”

Hux’s brows pull in and a shine crosses over his eyes. Kylo thinks to himself that if the General starts crying, he might actually ignite his saber and kill him. 

There is no crying, though, which Kylo is grateful for. Everyone accuses Kylo of having a flare for the dramatic, but they all neglect to mention how dramatic Hux is – he’s just as emotional, if not more so because of how repressed he is. He’s a ticking time bomb and Kylo will be happy to watch the inevitable downfall of General Hux, but he doesn’t think that will be for a while yet.

He’s sitting across from Hux, a glossy black desk between them, Hux in his dark, oversized chair, his greatcoat looking out of place slung over the back of it – he never uses this office space. Kylo can tell. There would be more lived life in the air if Hux did, more residual energy to pick up on. Hux is all about the ship most cycles, though – probably can’t be bothered with the privacy or quiet of an office. 

“It is and will continue to be unreciprocated.” 

Kylo could at least admire Hux’s determination. 

Hux sets his forearms on the desk, looking down gravely at his gloved hands. He speaks softly and slowly, unable to look at Kylo; “Ren… men like myself… I… we don’t love but once. Once in a lifetime. I know how I work and how men like me in the past have worked – I… I’m a furious man, I know. But I am more than my temper and ambitions. I am patient.”

That lingering statement takes a while to click in Kylo’s head. When it does, he’s very nearly offended.

“Are you asking in some roundabout way for me to take you for a test-drive?” Kylo asks stiffly, his brow feeling tight in what must be an outraged expression.

“I could provide for you,” Hux adds without answering directly, “I could be good to and for you. Perhaps you could come to reciprocate those feelings in time.”

“It would be a _waste_ of my time, General and I thought you were much more interested in efficiency and productivity than that.”

Hux glares down at his hands, his ears turning red.

“This isn’t…” Hux begins helplessly, “…Ren, if you turn this away… if you turn _me_ away… it will leave… scorch marks and nothing else. I am a man of commitment – lifelong commitment, in all endeavors. I will love like this once and only once and truly, never again – not with anyone else, anywhere else. I… will love you with more soul and passion than any other living being could. To shut this door will be a terrible loss for me and I… implore you to save me the agony of burning this bridge.”

Standing abruptly, Kylo has decided he’s heard enough. He’s feeling strange, his first rejection should have worked and he doesn’t understand why Hux is still talking. He’s embarrassed on Hux’s account – he looks pathetic, flustered and despairing. 

Scanning him in a brief second, Kylo can sense Hux hasn’t slept well for a long while, that the secrecy of his affections was driving him to illness and insomnia in recent months. 

_Pitiful._

“If you don’t burn the bridge, I will light it myself.”

Hux finally looks up at him again, his shoulders slouched in defeat – he knows Kylo is about to walk out and that this conversation will never be reopened. His ice blue eyes beseech Kylo and Kylo usually likes having people at his mercy like this, but Hux’s genuine adoration for him is off-putting, bizarre and unfamiliar. He wants to do away with it all.

“Do you hate me?”

“ _Hate_ you?” Kylo asks with a laughing lilt to his voice, “Not at all. Hatred is only the other side of love, attached by great passion. It is standing in the same space, just facing a different direction. No, General. I don’t hate you. On the contrary, I don’t feel anything for you.”

This seems to have the desired effect on Hux; more than silencing Hux, it very apparently devastates him. No one other than Kylo would know, though – he sees the shift in Hux’s eyes, the twitch of his mouth, the blush crawling up his neck and the slight twinge of his brows. It’s all subtle, but put together and under Kylo’s perceptible eye, it reads loud and clear.

Heartbreak.

_Good_ , Kylo thinks.

“I’m washing my hands of this. I don’t expect to hear of this again.”

There’s a brief, heavy pause and then Hux answers cold and detached, “certainly not. My apologies for keeping you, Ren.”

Without another word, Ren leaves Hux’s office and thinks nothing of it for a long while. He can sense during that first standard year after Hux’s confession, Hux’s deliberate attempts at avoiding Kylo. Hux does just about anything to get out of speaking to him, crossing paths with him, working with him or even looking at him.

There’s a stark difference between the Before and After. Kylo can’t help but find it fascinating. The Before Hux would maintain eye-contact, keep a parade stance when Kylo approached him to demonstrate his respect for Kylo as his equal. The Before Hux would look over Kylo’s itineraries, make suggestions and run safety protocols on all of his equipment thrice before allowing him to go planet-side. 

The After Hux is quite different. If he can, he keeps his back turned to Kylo and when he must face Kylo, his posture is stiff and he gives no nods or glances of acknowledgement when Kylo approaches or engages him. The After Hux stares down at his holopads to keep him from having to stare at Kylo, the After Hux keeps their interactions to no more than two minutes and four seconds – Kylo has counted.

The After Hux doesn’t look over Kylo’s itineraries, doesn’t bestow streetwise information or even interesting cultural folkways. The After Hux doesn’t worry after Kylo, doesn’t ask him about his travels, where he’s going, what he’s doing, when he’ll be back and he doesn’t require any safety protocols be performed on any of his pods or equipment at all. He doesn’t even require Kylo to check in or out anymore – as if Kylo’s coming and going off and on _The Finalizer_ is of the least importance to him. 

Kylo would have easily put the entire, humiliating ordeal behind him, but Hux’s dramatic shift in behavior calls constant attention to the pressure building between them. Hux is intent on ignoring it and Kylo has no idea what would happen if he said out loud anything about how tightly wound the air is when he approaches. Even if he did say something to try and mend it, he hardly thinks Hux would be amenable – he’d deny up and down that he’s doing anything uncharacteristic all while refusing to look Kylo in the eye.

More than a standard year passes after that initial outing and subsequent rejection – Kylo is returning from a planet-side mission and comes to the control bridge first. It’s a bit out of habit – he knows Hux doesn’t want to see him, but he’s driven to see Hux anyway. Perhaps just to be contrary. Perhaps he likes torturing Hux more than he consciously realizes. 

When he makes it to the bridge, however, he’s greeted with a confusing and unwelcome sight.

A blonde officer – Officer Naos Haas, if Kylo recalls correctly – has snared Hux’s attention.

It’s not a grand gesture or even explicit in nature, but Kylo watches from far away how Hux reads from a holopad in his left hand and passes by Officer Haas on his right. As he passes, he rests his gloved hand to the space where Officer Haas’s hair meets the skin of his neck, rubs his thumb back and forth and then lets his hand slide over Haas’s shoulder as he walks by.

No one else seems to notice and Kylo is thoroughly bewildered. This officer is young – maybe half Hux’s age. He has one green eye and one blue eye, a natural, pink blush to his ears and cheeks and he smiles at Hux’s back once the General’s passed. His aura is lavender with joy and infatuation.

Kylo leaves the bridge, unwilling to entertain what is easily Hux’s most deplorable reach for his attention yet. After that cycle, despite his disgust, he pays more attention to the goings-on between Haas and Hux. 

He sees them leave for meal hours together, he sees Phasma engage Haas in civil, bordering on _friendly_ conversation. He passes through or by the gym enough times to catch Hux teaching Haas yoga and the two of them sparring and grinning. 

Kylo thinks the worst of Hux – that this is all some plot to madden him the same way Hux has driven himself mad. He honestly believes that it is all some grand conspiracy until he overhears something he ought not to have overheard.

He’s passing a corridor when he spots iconic red hair and platinum blonde hair too near it. He backpedals until he can safely look over the corner and see down the hall without being noticed.

Hux’s uniform jacket is on the ground with his belt and greatcoat, his collared shirt is rolled up at the sleeves and it’s mostly unbuttoned. He has one naked hand stationed high on Haas’s waist, rumpling up the undershirt – he’s dressed down and looks winded. He must have been in the gym. 

Hux’s other hand is tight in Haas’s hair, pulling it enough to arch Haas’s neck. He smirks down at Haas, muttering, “I do so like seeing you overworked, Naos.”

“ _Hux_ ,” Haas moans and – Kylo nearly shouts. 

How dare a subordinate speak to Hux so informally. 

Hux leans down, licking a broad stripe up Haas’s neck, along his jaw and then over his lips. He kisses Haas, biting that swollen bottom lip and when he lets go, he says, “I expect you at my quarters at nineteen hundred hours. You should rest in the meantime. There won’t be much sleep for you tonight.”

Haas’s eyes flutter shut, his face’s blush darkening, “yes, sir.”

Haas gasps at the sudden tug on his hair – he exudes only pleasure, though. Hux knows this, smiles at him and replies, “so loyal and hardworking. Naos Haas. Think only of me for the remainder of my shift, until I can see you again. Then I will clear your mind of even your name.”

There’s a young, shaking whimper and Haas’s roaming hands settle on the incline of Hux’s tapered waist.

“Sir, I think of nothing else when we’re apart.”

“Always have the right answer, don’t you?” Hux asks playfully, biting the boy’s earlobe before letting go of him and readjusting his uniform. 

Before either of them turn to part ways, Hux rests a hand on Haas’s hip, leans in and kisses him – no tongue, nothing crass or wanton. It’s sweet. It’s romantic, intimate and personal. 

Kylo has never felt such unadulterated loathing.

“Until nineteen hundred hours,” Hux says as a parting.

Haas smiles shyly at him and responds in kind, “I will be counting every minute, sir.”

With that, they break away and with schooled features, betraying nothing at all, they stride down opposite directions of the hall.

Without much thought, Kylo follows Hux; he ought to be used to it by now, but he’s still surprised when Hux recognizes him by the sound of his footfalls alone.

“What do you want, Ren?” Hux asks irritably, if a little bored. He doesn’t even turn back to look at Kylo.

Kylo glares at the back of Hux’s head and says, “I thought you said you love only once.”

This doesn’t only stop Hux – it turns him on his heels. He twists around with wide eyes and Kylo can tell that Hux is honestly shocked at having been caught. He was hardly being subtle! But Hux’s head being lost in the clouds is hardly more concerning than the fact that Hux was evidently… _not_ thinking about Kylo. 

If he did not expect Kylo to find them, suspect Kylo was watching or catching on – did he no longer cross Hux’s mind at all?

Scowling dangerously, Hux pulls Kylo into a nearby conference room. He shuts the door and looks Kylo in the eye for what feels like the first time in more than a year.

“What do you know?”

“That you’re seducing a subordinate half your age is the extent of my knowledge,” Kylo grits out.

Hux doesn’t even seem bothered by Kylo’s ire – he seems like he’s calculating in his head what sort of damage control is necessary. As if Kylo finding out is no more important than a trooper happening upon them. 

Kylo’s anger builds on top of itself steadily, threatening to topple over and spill everywhere.

“And you’re the only one that knows?”

“Who exactly do you think I talk to?”

Giving some annoyed huff, Hux looks down at his holopad again and checks that he doesn’t need to be somewhere immediately. Once he’s sure he can spare a few minutes for Kylo (Kylo is exponentially infuriated by his low priority rating), he looks back up.

“Phasma likes him all the same, but doesn’t know I’ve bedded him. She’ll give me Hell if she finds out. So keep your mouth shut and vocoder off, thanks.”

“You’ve _slept_ with him?” Kylo asks outrageously. 

Hux rolls his eyes and says, “oh, I’m hardly about to entertain an ethics seminar by _you_. He’s young, he’s flexible, he positively worships me and on occasion, I do allow myself rewards for hard work, Ren. I’m still not seeing how any of this is your business unless you’re attempting to blackmail me, which I must warn you ahead of time is a very, very poor course of action.” 

Kylo is at a loss. He hates being so confused for so long.

“You said you only love once and never –“

“Did I say I love him?”

Kylo’s mouth shuts.

Hux cocks a dry brow at Kylo and then says dismissively, “yes, I thought not. Now, I have a meeting in ten minutes and will be on my way unless you have something else you feel compelled to say?”

There’s so much contempt in Hux’s voice, Kylo feels prickled by it. He hates knowing what he knows now and he can hardly tell why. What Hux gets up to isn’t his business. It never was. 

Maybe Kylo is just bad with change.

_Replacement_ , Kylo’s traitorous mind supplies, _You are feeling replaced and rightfully so. Hux has taken another when he swore himself to you._

Just as Kylo is about to shout and argue about loyalty and virtue and the _principle_ of the matter, Hux mutters some parting words and leaves without ever looking up from his holopad again. As he takes down the hall, Kylo can distantly hear him mumble to himself something about, “…fucking time-vampire he is.”

_Kylo_? A waste of _Hux’s_ time? 

That sleep cycle is impossible to rest through. Kylo is watching the clocks every moment, looking up and watching the hours tick by until it is officially nineteen hundred hours and he feels positively ill with the assurance that Officer Naos Haas, young, thin and blonde and apparently _flexible_ is being welcomed into Hux’s quarters. Into Hux’s rooms, bed and arms. 

Kylo is particularly unkind to Haas from there on out and Haas returns the gesture – he doesn’t appear to understand why Kylo is rude to him, but he doesn’t tolerate it. He’s a bit like Hux in that regard. 

Kylo throws fits, destroys ship equipment and entire rooms when he sees lingering bruises on Hux or Haas’s neck – he nearly murders Haas where he stands when he passes along a holopad Kylo needs to sign and inadvertently exposes his wrist.

There are barely visible rope burns there.

Kylo doesn’t sign the document and storms away.

When he makes attempts to engage Hux, Hux only draws further away. He seems more and more uninterested in Kylo, even uninterested in the destruction of his ship during Kylo’s tantrums – he starts sending troopers or other officers to deal with it. 

Enough months pass and Kylo is all but a shadow. No matter how long his eyes linger on Hux, Hux never looks back, never even seems to feel Kylo’s gaze. Hux was once so sensitive to it.

The most troubling day for Kylo is the day Haas and Hux trade dog tags. He has no idea what that means, symbolically between First Order militants, but he can feel the heady weight of it anyway. He can feel the significance, the trust, the ceremony of claiming in it. 

He hides in his quarters, destroying the room for the umpteenth time and then he meditates, trying to center himself. He falls into a Delta state for over a standard week.

When he comes to, he finds that no one came looking for him and when he reappears on the bridge, Hux behaves no differently than if Kylo had been on the bridge every cycle that standard week. 

He hadn’t noticed.

Hux hadn’t noticed he was gone.

Something deep and furious starts burning in Kylo’s chest, something akin to betrayal but too dampened by oversaturated mourning to be quite that. He is overcome with sadness, feels limbless and foolish.

It isn’t until after the collapse of Starkiller, another standard year later, that Kylo realizes what in the Hells has been wrong with him. 

He woke in the med bay, remembering being in Hux’s arms, hearing Hux ordering a rescue pod to their coordinates. He remembers the smell of Hux’s cologne, of Hux’s rough voice telling him to stay awake, that aid was on its way. It was the most Hux had said to him in maybe two years. 

He loves Hux.

It’s so simple and still so enormous.

That’s why it’s hurt. That’s why there’s the burning and the sadness and the uncontrollable rage. He loves Hux and that should have been simple – he can’t tell where it began or if it is a type of thing that even has a beginning. He just knows he loves Hux and he’s at peace, finally understanding himself. Making sense of the possessiveness, the jealousy, the sleepless nights.

It occurs to Kylo very belatedly that the insomnia Hux once suffered is something he knows now. He feels a deep empathy, a bone-shaking regret and once he’s clean, able to walk on his own and dress, he wastes no time in finding Hux.

Hux is just leaving his quarters and is alarmed to find Kylo waiting outside his door for him. Hux’s eyes traipse along Kylo’s newly acquired scar, but not unkindly. He can see the way Hux is cataloging the information away.

“I see you’re up, Ren. I’m not sure if anyone directed you to me, but it’s good you found me. Supreme Leader is –“

In an instant, Kylo has Hux up against the wall and is kissing him languidly, holding Hux’s neck, threading his fingers through the ends of Hux’s hair. He feels his brows pull together, feels how his shoulders round up high by his ears – kissing Hux is so much richer than he thought it could be. Kissing Hux is a slow sunrise, a beating drum and endless shades of blue. 

When they pull apart, Kylo keeps Hux close and confesses against Hux’s dark, kiss-swollen lips, “I’m sorry. I made… I made a mistake. My hands aren’t washed of this.”

Hux cocks a brow and asks, “you want me?”

“I love you.”

It’s rather disturbing how everything in Hux can shut down like a computer, how his eyes can close off like shutters on a window, his expression can fall and simultaneously become highly guarded. 

“I will give you my time – I should have, I should have given it to you long ago, but I didn’t… I didn’t know. I didn’t realize.”

The longer Hux remains silent, the more anxious Kylo becomes and the more he scrambles for better words – for the _right_ words.

“I can be good to and for you. I can provide for you. I can make all your promises and more. I can and will give you all and anything, Hux.”

“ _General_ Hux.”

Kylo’s heart sinks and when he looks into Hux’s eyes, it’s like looking into the eyes of a ghost. 

As though there were a version of Hux that loved him once, but all that’s left is an imprint of where he once tread. There is only cold, vast emptiness now. Just chilled scorch marks where there used to be the shine of transformative emotion. Momentous and miraculous for their rarity. Kylo can’t stand knowing he gave it away.

With a hand planted firmly on Kylo’s chest, Hux pushes him back and looks down to brush himself off. 

“I’m uninterested in anything you’ve to offer.”

When they meet eyes again, Hux adds, “above all, your love. Contain it, burn it, wash your hands of it – do whatever must be done, but keep it to yourself. I want no part of it.”

It can’t be so simple, though, right? Kylo grapples within himself for hope, for something to hold onto.

“You… but you said your love was a life-long commitment. That it would only happen once, that it was for me –“

“Yes, and you decimated it.”

Kylo feels the blood drain from his face, feels his heart sink further into him as if curling away from Hux, hiding from further wounding. 

“Oh, don’t look so pitiful, Ren,” Hux chastises, straightening his uniform jacket at the hem, “You were right. When you burnt all and any hope, forced my hand in letting go, I was more efficient and productive. Still am. Only getting better these days. And really, that’s thanks to you. I encourage you to take your own advice.”

Just as Kylo opens his mouth to – he doesn’t know – plead? Get down on his knees and beg? 

Quite possible.

Before he can, though, the door to Hux’s quarters open and Naos stands there with wet hair, half-dressed and looking surprised to see Hux still there and even more surprised to see Kylo. He looks to Hux, quirking a brow, to which Hux just shakes his head dismissively. Naos respects Hux’s silence and hands him a holopad with open blueprints on it.

“You nearly forgot this,” Naos says with a smile, “Supreme Leader is waiting.”

Hux smiles kindly at Naos and replies, “thank you. I might misplace my head if it weren’t on my shoulders.”

“Can’t have that,” Naos jokes, leaning on the doorway, “You wear far too many hats around this place to be going around headless.”

Hux glances around quickly, apparently surveying the hall and assuring no one (of significance, anyway) is there to see him lean in and kiss Naos. He tugs on Naos’s ear – some sort of personalized display of affection that only the two of them understand. Hux tells Naos to finish getting ready, how the bridge is already alight with gossip and they shouldn’t make it worse by showing up late together.

With a small nod of acknowledgement to Kylo, Haas disappears into Hux’s quarters again and silence falls. 

“Parallel lines, we are.”

Kylo stares at Hux with watering eyes, but this evokes no emotion from Hux. 

“Close, but never touching.”

Time might pass, Kylo might move – he isn’t entirely sure. Everything inside him feels like it’s disintegrating and besides his torturous love and chilling regret, there is a finality to it all. And when Hux and Haas publically officiate their relationship, Phasma is encouraging, the other officers of the bridge trade credits for bets placed and Kylo… Kylo supposes he deserves every shard of glass in his bloodstream. 

Strange how Kylo could kiss someone, touch someone and that someone isn’t there, even as it’s happening. Painful too, how he came so close but by then, Hux was out of reach. Across a canyon that had a bridge once. A bridge Kylo burned.


End file.
